This shop has been compensated by #CollectiveBias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #Iamprotective
I’ve written the future New York Times Best-Selling book on “How to Lose Your Sanity”. Your free preview is here. Shoot, this isn’t actually a preview, it’s the book in its entirety, minus the stunning illustrations done by yours truly.
Chapter 1 – How to Land a Man
Assuming you’re a female looking for a man, your best bet is to have a big rack, a super tight body, and a small brain. If you have a small rack, a little flab, or are the intellectual type, you’re doing it all wrong. Go home and try again.
Never leave the house without your face on, your hair coiffed, or in anything that doesn’t show at least part of your rear end. Carry a large fan around with you so that your hair constantly blows in the wind and make sure to work those bedroom eyes and duck lips 100% of the time. Guys love that crap.
Chapter 2 – How to Have Kids
Complete the objective in Chapter 1, then put your skills to good use. Pop a kid or seven out at home, a birth center, or a hospital. You could even have the kid in your car, just as long as you have one.
Chapter 3 – How to Be A Good Mom
Or, the chapter on how to lose your sanity
Everyone knows that to be a good mom you have to start out with breast milk from grass-fed milk maids and cloth diapers. You also need the most expensive stroller on the market, the best baby carrier, a decked out minivan with Baby Einstein sponsored DVD players in the headrests, and a Prada diaper bag. You have to enroll your child in Mommy & Me swim classes while they’re still swimming in amniotic fluid, and you absolutely must attend Strollercize as soon as the baby starts crowning because if you don’t get that baby body back in the next 48 hours, your husband is going to leave you for a college freshman majoring in philosophy. Teach your baby sign language, force him or her to walk by the time they’re 6 months old, and potty train them before they can walk. Make sure they speak three languages fluently by the time they turn 4, then enroll them in college by age 8 and buy them a Mercedes.
Also, never, ever discipline your child. Make sure they have everything they’ve ever wanted and allow them to walk all over you. Your new name is not “Mom”, it is “Door Mat”.
Doesn’t that read like the best-selling Mommy Wars Diaries? I mean seriously. If you’re not super thin with bleached blonde hair, perfect clothing, a Tory Burch handbag, a top of the line SUV or minivan with children who, at the age of 5 are capable of being accepted to Harvard, then you’re just doing it all wrong.
It seems like every human of the female persuasion on this earth is in some sort of war with other women. This is insanity. Why can’t we just get along? It’s so just part of our world that we think everyone is judging us everywhere we go, even if they aren’t. I’m just as bad as the next gal. We moved to Santa Rosa Beach, FL a couple months ago and I am probably the only person here with an accidental ombre, generic flip flops, and thigh cheese. The cheapest gym is Pure Barre and at a staggering $200+ per month, I’d rather eat and have thigh cheese. I just feel like the thigh cheese and lack of Tory Burch flip flops and fancy jewelry keeps me from finding friends. Because, like, who’d want to be friends with a tattooed freakshow with pear hips and muffin top? And I’m not talking the kind you take to a PTA bake sale.
The truth is, I have a bad habit of being really closed off when I think people are judging me and I come across as a snob. I do it to protect myself and it does not serve me well. So what’s the best way to protect myself? Well, to open up a little bit. Maybe even to never leave my house without a little mascara on my blonde lashes. Why? Because it makes me feel confident. I need to get better about being confident enough in who I am to believe that nobody is judging me. Thinking “screw them and whatever they’re thinking” is just presumptuous and it blocks you from creating real, lasting relationships with people. There’s a fine line between having confidence and putting up a brick wall of artificial confidence. I’d be lying if I said I’m not a fence straddler. I totally toe the line between the two. It’s when I’m genuinely confident and not relying on my cleavage and good posture that I finally make connections with people.
You don’t have to keep up with the Joneses, you only have to keep up with yourself. I struggle with it too. I want the best so that people think I’m the best. You guys, it doesn’t have to be like that. If someone doesn’t want to have a relationship with you because of the brand of clothes you wear, the fact that you drive a loud rust bucket, or because you’re a different size, shape, color, or religion than they are; you don’t want to be their friend anyhow. Who wants friends like that? I’ve had friends like that. They made me miserable. They were constantly gossipping and spewing negativity. I can’t deal. That’s not my thing. I want to be happy and I want other people to be happy so I surround myself with happy people. When you assume people are judging you, you fall into this rut of judging them back in order to combat the thoughts you’re sure they’re having about you. It’s a vicious cycle and you are the only person who can stop it.
Protecting yourself and your sanity isn’t always the easiest thing to do. You might need to keep a rubberband around your wrist and snap it whenever you’re comparing yourself to other people. My best advice is when you have a nasty thought about yourself or someone else, you counter that single thought with three positive thoughts. Being judgmental of the seemingly perfect skinny goddess mom who heads up PTA? She has at least three redeeming qualities. Perhaps they’re like this, “She speaks very well in front of people. She has great legs. She is vivacious.” Don’t make them snide things, look for genuine qualities that you admire. This change in thought process will eventually lead to more positivity and a happier, cleaner thought life. Once your thoughts become more positive, your life changes in ways you could never expect. I have more patience with the kids, more understanding with my husband, and more compassion for my friends.
During the Alabama/Florida game on 9/20 Protective will donate $1 (up to $10,000) to the Nick’s Kids charity when people simply tweet #Iamprotective or use the hashtag with a post on Instagram or Facebook.
Do me and yourself an enormous, FUN favor. Tweet something during that game that you’re protective of with the hashtag #Iamprotective and contribute to the donations that Protective will be donating to Nick’s Kids. Believe me, I would never, EVER encourage you to watch an Alabama game unless they were playing Auburn, but this is kind of a big deal, and one step to helping you protect yourself. You can also visit Protective Insurance‘s website to share what you’re protective of. Remember – a positive thought life is a happy life.
Don’t be a brick wall, protect your thought life with positive thoughts.