OK, so maybe it IS a laughing matter. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, who then can we laugh at? I’m sure we’d find someone to laugh at, but I digress.
This is about taking a load off and finding humor in the insane life that I call mine.
I don’t normally join blog hops because I have a hard time remembering to go back and visit other people’s blogs. This week I needed to force a laugh, so I’m making myself participate. These things might actually not be very funny but I’m forcing myself to fake a laugh and carry on because if I don’t, I might find myself on the side of the road dry heaving with anxiety.
The first not funny, but completely funny, funny of the week:
1. My kid has JACKED UP teeth. Here’s a picture of the molds taken of his teeth, showing how messed up his bite is. *cue horse noises* Shut up. If I can’t laugh about this, you definitely can’t. I knew long ago that he would have jacked up teeth. He got my huge teeth and his sperm donor’s little mouth and weird bite. He also inherited his sperm donor’s jacked up jaw. When his adult teeth started coming in like Chiclets, I knew that it was bad news. The poor kid can hardly chew! Super long story short (OK, not so long story, I just make everything a long story), we went to an orthodontist and he has moderate severe jaw issues. He’s on the verge of needing a complete jaw surgery. Fortunately, the orthodontist thinks that we could get good results without breaking his jaw and without surgery. There is a spring loaded device option and a “let’s pull teeth and move his entire face backwards” option. This is only going to cost $6600. Funny, ha-ha
2. I cleaned feces off of the Wall twice this week
Hilarious, right? The Nerd was taking a poo of his own and I was on a call when I hear The Muffin screaming down the stairs, “Pearl just pooped on the wall!” I let it sit there until my call was over and cleaned it up, but not before having to wipe The Stinky’s ass, and poop off of the bathroom wall because he bent over and backed up into the wall after taking a nice dump in his froggy potty. It was kinda like a shit stamp on the matte bathroom paint.
3. My middle child just turned 4.
It’s only funny because she’s already the master at slamming doors in anger, rolling her eyes into the back of her head to prove displeasure, and drives a hard bargain. This kid could sell the udder off of a bull. She insists on dressing herself and has no less than 6 wardrobe changes a day. She tells me when she washes her hair and when she doesn’t (hey, she knows her own scalp better than I do and went a month without washing her hair when she broke her arm off in June.) This is a girl who knows what she wants and could win a defense trial in court in front of a discerning jury tomorrow.
I can’t believe I have 14 more years with this kid and I’m terrified one of us isn’t going to make it out alive. Probably me.
4. I figured out how to make The Workaholic come home by 2am every night.
My libido has magically returned with my Birth Control Boycott, which is a really good thing because last week, The Workaholic told me that sex had gotten boring.
WHAT. THE. FRIDGE.
We’ve only been married for 4 years, which is hardly long enough for sex to become mundane. Then I took a second to step back and realize that yeah, sex sucks. It’s the same thing each time, for one purpose: to get him off. It’s not his fault, I take full responsibility. I haven’t wanted to take the time to have good sex so I pretty much just roll over and bare my butt to him, beckoning him to get in, get it done, and get out.
So now that my libido has returned, I wanted to spice things up a little bit. I told him that if he came home BEFORE 2am every night, he’d get enthusiastic sex. Not just sex, but engaged, enthusiastic sex accompanied by dirty little pictures to remind him why he’s coming home “early” at night.
He’s been home before 2am the last three nights, and I have delivered on my promise. BAM!
5. I paid $399 for a new sofa.
My leather blend sofa had huge holes in it that we covered up with Duck Tape. We needed something. I went to a furniture outlet and found a sofa that would do for $420 after tax. It’s small but it gets the job done. And seriously? Who pays $420 for a sofa? I had big plans to break it in as soon as we brought it home, but we pulled it out of the truck only to find out that it has plastic “legs” instead of wood. I’m afraid to even sit on this thing. I’m pretty sure it’s waiting on me to sit on it to completely buckle under my weight and snap right in half. I’ll stick to the Naugahyde recliner, thankyouverymuch!