I wasn’t going to write on this blog about the horrific tragedy that took place on Friday, December 14, 2012, and I’m still not. Not really, although this post is the result of those events.
I recently, with the help of a friend, implemented a very specific schedule for my family and I. After the senseless killing of 20 young children last week, I was stricken with the realization that anything could happen, at any time, to anyone person in my family. I often worry about The Workaholic on his way home from work. He calls every night before he comes home, and before saying “I love you”, I always say, “Drive safely”. There has been maybe 3 times I didn’t say it, and I lie awake in bed, anxiety creeping around my trachea as each second ticked slowly by. The sound of his keys released the pressure in my throat and I was finally able to fall asleep.
I rarely worry about my children this way, and while I don’t want to make anxiety a fixture in my life, I realized that I need to focus more on spending quality time with my children. Not just time, but quality time. If I am the one to go first, what will my children remember about me? Will they remember me sitting at the kitchen table, glued to my laptop, telling them to be quiet so I could focus on one last post before I played with them? Would they remember me at bed while they were running circles around me, yelling at them to calm down in my frazzled, anxious state? Would they remember the sleepless nights I spent with them when they were sick or scared where we cuddled until the sun came up?
I don’t know. I don’t know what they will remember. But I have to be what I want my children to remember at all times, because life is not guaranteed, and it is so short.
I’m grateful for our new schedule and new routine. Not only does it offer me time to myself to do the things I love, it lends itself to more fun times with my babies. Several weeks ago, this is what our time looked like. This photo is what my children would have remembered if my time were to have to come:
Before implementing a schedule, there wasn’t “time” in the day to do ANYTHING because Mama was so tired, and so overwhelmed, and so unmotivated. Look what a little schedule, and a few more hours of sleep gets you:
What will your kids remember if you disappear tomorrow?
None of us are perfect, we all fall short more often than we’d like to admit and that’s OK.
But strive to always be the person you want your children to remember. You might be the last thing they remember in a tragedy. How do you want them to remember you?
Become always, that person.