I take marriage VERY seriously. I love my husband with every last space of my heart. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have issues. I want to clarify that because my blog is about to become a forum for my emotions, deep and wide.
I don’t want anyone to think that there is trouble in paradise, or that we don’t love one another because that’s just not the case. I feel that it is absolutely necessary to be honest about my life, my relationships, and to paint you all a vivid and realistic picture of what is happening in our world.
I feel SO overwhelmed and stressed out with the sheer volume of blogs who spray paint their perfect lives all over the place. That’s NOT real life, people. Relationships take work. Lots and lots of work, tears, and more work, and more tears, and sweat, and a little more work. With some spice on the side if you know what I mean. To make everyone believe that your relationship is perfect just sets other people up for failure and creates unrealistic expectations. So I’m laying it out for you all now and giving you the truth.
My husband and I are not perfect.
Our relationship is wonderful. I have a caring husband who is extremely attracted to me, for which I am eternally grateful. He is a hard worker and provides financially for this family. He loves Styles as his own son and is in the process of legally making him his own son (a HUGE thank you to the ex for allowing that to happen). He vacuums when Grady won’t peel himself away from my legs. He cleans the kitchen if I’m too tired to do it on nights that he closes the restaurant and the kids have created chaos. He bathes the children while I do the kitchen on days that he opens the restaurant. He rarely goes out on the town with friends, (but when he does, he picks horrible nights to do so). He cooks breakfast for me every day that he has off. I really could speak well of him all day long.
But the truth of the matter is that there are still pieces of this relationship puzzle that are still missing. Does that mean that my relationship is on rocky ground? Absolutely not. It means that we are normal. It means that we are working to make one another better people, and working to have a solid relationship. We argue because we each refuse to turn a blind eye to our spouses’ shortcomings. Instead, we sometimes let our irritations fester and then have a blowout argument. And in other instances, we resolve the conflict on the spot before a molehill becomes a mountain.
I have some seriously huge irritations with The Workaholic. Right now, the #1 irritation is that he doesn’t “get it”. He has no idea what I DO and he doesn’t show me any appreciation for the things that I do for and with our children. He instead, focuses on the things that I don’t get done around the house on a daily basis, like the steady stream of laundry that consistently rests on our love seat. I do laundry every day. The pile stays the same size every day. This means that each day I am folding and putting laundry away. Inevitably something happens and I don’t get to finish putting a load away here or there but guess what? We have THREE small children. Two of which are still technically babies. We don’t have a maid. I don’t have a mother’s helper. And we don’t have family close by. What you see is what you get. I’m not a lazy gal, I’m a busy woman with a fledgling business, a busy blog, and maniacal children.
He doesn’t understand that just because I get to see some of my closest friends on a daily basis, does NOT mean that I got to socialize or be “Summer” for a few hours. I still got to be “Summer the Mom to two pterodactyl-shrieking wannabes”. I still had to feed them, worry about where they were, put out proverbial fires, redirect them, discipline them, feed them again, bathe them, and then be tied to a quiet home after they’ve gone down for the night. After they’ve gone to bed, I then do my best to unwind and clean up whatever mess I can get to without falling into a helpless, crying heap on the crumbed-up kitchen floor. I don’t get to be “Summer” any more and THAT is my biggest issue.
It IS a huge issue. Just ask any stay at home mom. I have completely lost my identity in my children and that is absolutely NOT OK. Just because I am wife and mother does not mean that I am not still Summer. Summer has just been pushed hastily aside while she gives and gives and gives of herself while her children and husband take and take and take from her, with no one to pour back into her.
My husband should be pouring back into me. He should be scheduling pedicures for me, sewing classes, painting excursions to the park (even WITH my family, as long as someone is watching the kids besides me). He should be urging me to get out without the children at least once a week so that I can recharge and refuel, but he doesn’t. He expects even more out of me on his days off and I’m often left feeling even more worn out and defeated when he goes back to work after a couple of days off. He loves me HIS way and not MY way and refuses to believe that the way that he is showing me love is just not. doing. it. for. me.
We’re just in a down time right now and that’s OK. That’s just how relationships work. You can’t enjoy the peaks without the valleys, and you can’t grow without a little pain. I love him as much, if not more, than I did the day that we got married but we’re not newlyweds anymore. We’re a real couple with a large family and real world problems.
So when you read about my struggles in the future, they may often have something to do with The Workaholic. But it doesn’t mean that we’re unhappy, unsettled, or on the road to divorce. It simply means that I’m honest, open, and willing to bare all to let others see that their imperfect relationships are perfectly normal.