I grew up fit.
I never could understand why overweight people were like, “I don’t want to work out because I’m so fat you won’t be able to see my muscles.” or “It will just make me bulkier”.
What they were trying to say is, “Why work so effing hard if you can’t see my efforts?”
I get that now. I 100% get it, and I’m frustrated.
I’ve been working so hard, you guys. I’ve been showing up at the best gym in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida , with the most supportive coaches and community.
I’ve been leaving it all out on the floor.
I’ve been dealing with my messed up relationship with food and helping that get better through Precision Nutrition. I still get to eat the way I’m comfortable eating and work on my effed up relationship with food in an organic way, with help from my coach who is readily available to me.
I’ve been DOING THE THING.
I’ve been eating better with so much less stress, I’m at the gym four to five days a week, and I’m getting plenty of sleep on my (amazing) new mattress.
And I’m still fat.
I feel really good. My energy has increased, my moods are better, and I have some definition in my arms that definitely wasn’t there before. Actually, so much so that I can’t stop craning my neck to look down at my shoulder and bicep and my neck kinda hurts from my constant self-admiration.
But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and everything changes.
I see a picture that shows the back of my arms and I cringe. You can’t even see my elbow for the flap of fat that hangs over it. I see my ankles that have a ring of fat at the bottom of them and CELLULITE – WHO HAS CELLULITE ON THEIR ANKLES? I see a waist that has gotten smaller but thighs that appear to be getting larger.
When I look down on my body, I’m good. I’m happy with the progress.
But when I see pictures like these from my gym’s grand opening this past weekend, I literally have to choke back tears because all I see is a walrus in jeans, which means that anyone outside of my gym is just seeing that too.
At least the people I work out with know how far I’ve come, know how strong I am, and know that I’m working hard so that I DON’T look like this forever.
But the knowledge that when I go out in public, people don’t see a strong woman, but a fat one, really bothers me. I have so many things to be excited about right now, but it’s super hard to push through this frustration and be happy for them. Why?
Because when it all comes down to it, I’m still fat.
And I make no excuses for that, I just wish my body would catch up with the way I feel.
I’m trying to combat this frustration by remembering to check my measurements – which have gone down. I’m trying to remember that I’ve lost nearly 40lbs since Jan 1 and nearly 15 inches since March 7. I’m trying to be happy about the fact that I can fit into jeans that wouldn’t even go above my hips in December. I’m trying to be happy about the fact that I can lift heavy things now and complete a whole workout in CrossFit.
But it’s hard. I’m not going to lie. It’s stinking hard.
I’m NOT a fat girl, and yet here I am… a fat girl.
Looking at before and after pictures makes me realize that I’ve come a really long way. The reason I’m where I am today is because of the work I’ve been putting in the past three and a half months. I realize I can’t look like a fit girl overnight, or even over the course of a quarter when I had SO damn far to go when I started.
All I can do is set my sights on my goals and keep showing up and leaving it all out on the floor. And I’ve got to remember that people’s perception of me doesn’t matter. I know what I’m doing and where I’ve come from.
Screw the Judgey McJudgersons.
At least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself.
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Andrew @ Mommy's Busy says
You’re right. It’s not an overnight thing. Not at all. Getting fit is a journey, not a destination. You have come an incredibly long way already. Just think… Imagine if you hadn’t started 5 1/2 months ago and just started today. You’d be 40 pounds heavier. So just be happy you did start and be happy that you’re still going. Forget everyone else’s opinions. You hopefully are doing this for the most important person in your life: you. Keep it up and I want you to write the same exact post in 6 months time and see how you feel!
You go, girl!
Summer says
Thanks, Andrew! I am really proud of my progress, even if it doesn’t seem like it – I’m just wishing it was more. But you’re right. I’ve come so far in 5.5 months, and even further since March 1 when I Started CrossFit, so I should be focusing on that.
Dusty says
I get it. Trust me. I ate all the healthy for a month and lost a pound while my husband lost 20. But I also see you try and exude happiness and confidence and I love you for it. You’re stunning and gorgeous and curvy, lady <3
Summer says
Thanks so much, Dusty! I’m normally relatively confident, but I let someone get in my head. Someone who hasn’t said anything directly to me, but who I know thinks super highly of herself. And I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what she thinks of me or anyone else, but it’s really gotten to me this week. I’m looking forward to seeing you!!!
Marty Coleman says
That is all you can do, is keep at it. It’s a long, slow, up and down, sideways, backwards, zigzag, in circles, straight up, crash and burn, get up and run process and it sucks. You feel like your body should reflect your mind and your emotion, that it should tell the world you are fit and healthy, but it doesn’t. And it won’t for a while yet. But it will tell the world that, just not as fast as you like.
Think of it like this. You are riding a bicycle across the country, not driving a car. It’s going to take a LONG freaking time, but if you keep riding, you will get there.
Believe it.
Lynda Self says
You go girl! You are amazing – don’t ever forget that!
Claudia Butler Shannon says
Summer, Summer, Summer! Girl, you are an inspiration to other overweight people, including me. Wanna know what I see when I look at that picture of you and Tiffany dancing? CONFIDENCE! I kept looking at you two during that party because of your apparent CONFIDENCE! That is super inspiring and attractive!!
There’s one other reason overweight people don’t like to workout. Because every time you struggle with weights or panting or inflexibility or whatever, it’s like repetitive slaps in the face and nasty self-talk, “look what you did to yourself, you’re pathetic”. THat’s MY story. I can’t stand the reality of what I’ve become and the reminders are overwhelming.
You keep at it, girl, before long you’ll look like the ripped dancing queen you were years ago. Maybe somewhere along the way I’ll join you on your journey.
Claudia Shannon
Nancy Johnson Horn says
I get it, believe me, I get it. I struggle constantly. But you’re doing it. You are making an effort. That 40 lbs loss is amazing. That you can do that exercise is amazing. Since I hit 40 (ahem, 6 years ago), losing weight is so much harder for me. I struggled before and I struggle now. But I’m not giving up either and if I can be where you are, I would be excited. You don’t realize that, but to me, this tells me that I can do this too. Because you haven’t given up and that’ where I need to be. Taking care of ourselves means effort and you’ve done a terrific job. When I am where I want to be, I’ll come back and let you know — because you lit a fire in me right now. This is our lives and we’re taking them back (okay, maybe I am being a bit dramatic). But you made a commitment and I admire that.
Di Ranere says
When I look at you I see confidence, that is what you exude. BUT I can relate to the struggle, and I know exactly what you are going through, it is so hard to get in the right headspace. I have had an issue with weight for a long time, losing it, gaining it, and now feeling stuck at it. You are inspiring, so keep going, you can do this, we both can!!
Summer says
Thanks Di! that means a great deal. I think knowing and admitting your shortcomings is important. We can’t pretend we’re doing everything right when CLEARLY we aren’t (*raises hand high*) – AND THEN THERE’S THE FLIP SIDE OF THAT – Doing everything right and JUST NOT BEING SKINNY YET YET YET. And I think that’s where so many of us are like “Screw it. I’ll just stay fat because this is taking so long.” I’m just ready to be off of this roller coaster. I want to look the way I feel like I”ll look when this fat is gone, I just wish it happened so much faster than it’s happening. I **KNOW** you can do this. Don’t jump off the train just because it’s going slowly. You’ve got my info if you need a partner to lean on, and I’ve got yours – and I might be leaning on you, girl, so just get ready because when I lean, it’s a lot of weight. LOL!
Ashley LaMar says
Yeah, screw the Judgy McJudgerson’s! Girl, you don’t need people like that nor do you need to care about people like that. The only people that matter are the ones that know how far you’ve come and how hard you’re working. Also, it helps to remember that everyone is fighting their own battle. Even the people that look like they have everything together usually don’t.
Summer says
Thank you so much, Ashley! And you’re right – EVERYONE Is facing or fighting something, even when they act like everything is good.
Kenya says
From a complete stranger to another, I see a happy go lucky person not a walrus! Keep working towards your goals, you are doing great!
Jennifer says
I love your blog and downloaded the 1 week keto diet menu. I can totally relate – I’ve been going to Orange Theory Fitness for a year now and have only lost about 5 lbs since starting. I know I need to clean up my diet along with working out but for once in my life I feel good about the way I look. I can honestly see muscle replacing the fat slowly but surely even though the number on the scale doesn’t show it. Keep working hard – you’ve motivated me to keep going and to start eating better so that I can see even better results! Thank you!
Summer says
OH my GOSH! This just made my WHOLE YEAR! Thank you, Jennifer! Keep it up! You can do it!
Patti says
Hi Summer! I just found your site and Facebook page today! I even emailed you already! I am impressed with your whole package!
You are not fat, you are what my Gramma would call a Big boned Girl! And that is me too! And to top it off I am short at 4′ 11″! So every extra pound looks like 5 on me! I’ve always been a big girl! And lemme tell you, it just don’t get any easier as you get older! I am 57. Over the past year I have gained and lost the same darn 10 pounds! I used to wish I could lose 20 more, but now I would just be happy to lose that dang 10 and maintain and I promise I would be happy!
I try to get to the gym at least three times a week and I’ve begun doing yoga since my doc recommended it to keep BP under control. And I’ve tried low carb high fat and keto plans too… It’s all a work in progress for me. You have inspired me to just keep at it! And I can’t wait to try your recipe for butterscotch-pumpkin-cheesecake-bites!
Anyway you just ho girl!!!!
Patti says
Meant to say “Go Girl!” The type is very light in color and very small! LOL! ?