I hate showering. Showering sucks. I’ll tell you why:
I have the thickest, most abundant, course, wavy hair of any white girl on the face of the planet. It’s also very dry so I can’t wash it every day. Then when I do wash my hair, it takes at least 8 minutes to wash & condition my hair, and another 75 minutes to blow dry and straighten it. LAME.
Add to that the whole shaving process, subtract the time spent watching the Crayola wall artist and divide by the time The Stinky spends spraying the dark load of laundry down with bleach-laden bathroom spray and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
But I work out 5 days a week, and I work hard. I sweat like a crazy woman when I sweat, and you know how bad dying fat smells, right?
So take the formula above and multiply by 10 days with the flu and it equals 2 showers. Which stinks. Literally.
I’m not the only one, y’all! My long lost twin sister, and fellow Horrible Housewife, doesn’t shower daily either.
I woke up yesterday morning and STILL felt like crap. It had been 10 days. Showering when I’m sick makes me want to pass out, it rarely makes me feel better. So I did what anybody who had been sick for longer than a week, who had only had a couple of showers, and had lost their sense of smell would do: I called the doctor and got an appointment. None of my natural remedies had helped up until this point and it was my last resort. I went to the freaking prescription-writing doctor. Yes, I did. My appointment was in 20 minutes and I was still in my jammies.
The Muffin insisted on going with me, so I agreed and took her with me. As I was dressing her, she asked me a few times if I had farted. I laughed and told her no, that it was probably my sick sinus infection breath. She looked at me like I had 3 eyes.
On the way into the doctor’s office, she told me, “Mommy, you farted!” I laughed and told her that I most certainly had not farted.
When the doctor came in to the room, I caught a whiff of something stank and asked The Muffin if she farted. She said that she had not, and the girl never denies a fart. I shrugged my shoulders and chalked it up to an overactive imagination. I hadn’t, after all, smelled a single thing for 10 days.
During my exam, I apologized to the doctor for not showering that morning and she laughed it off saying, “You don’t have to shower when you’re sick, you get a shower break.”
I think what she meant to say was that I needed a shower break. As in a break from life to get in the shower.
After she told me that I had a raging sinus infection and that my throat should also be sore because it was so angry, I packed up my offspring and went home, antibiotics in hand.
I sat down on the couch and The Workaholic said, “The Stinky has a poopy diaper! NOT IT!” I checked, and The Stinky did not have a poopy diaper. That happened about 3 more times before The Stinky did have a poopy diaper so I thought maybe he had been farting all along. I changed the diaper, unable to smell a single thing, and went on with my day.
I laid the kids down for a nap, and relaxed after The Workaholic went to work. I wanted to shower, but I got comfortable and a nap sounded so much better. Nap trumps shower. And I hate naps too.
I woke up to The Nerd coming home from school and he passed me by, headed straight to his little loft apartment on the 3rd floor. The day went on, and The Muffin kept asking if I had farted or telling me The Stinky had a poopy diaper – none of which had happened. OK, well maybe once or twice, but not every time.
I bathed the babies then tucked them into bed, and The Muffin didn’t want to cuddle with me.
IS this a joke? She wants to cuddle with me every night, as long as she can get me for! This child turned away from me and told me I was stinky!
“Mommy, you’re stinky! Did you fart in my bed? You stink!”
I had NOT farted in her bed, but I couldn’t possibly smell that badly because I didn’t smell a thing!
So I acquiesced and left her room, en route to the shower. I clearly needed one, even if it meant washing my nappy hair.
On the way to the shower, The Nerd stopped me on his way to bed. I gave him a hug and he immediately recoiled and said, “MOM! You smell TERRIBLE! Please go take a shower!”
My tween boy had just told me that I smelled. Terrible. Woah. Do you understand the magnitude of this statement? Especially given its deliverer?
I almost peed my pants laughing my way to the shower.
When I got out of the shower and had slathered my body with coconut lime lotion, I noticed that The Muffin’s light was on so I went in her room. She asked me if I had showered and I told her to smell me then tell me whether or not I had showered. She abruptly buried her nose in her pillow and told me that she would NOT be smelling me because I was stinky.
I ran over to her bed and put her face directly in my armpit and she laughed when she realized that I smelled delicious. I’ve never seen a child so happy about their parent taking a shower.
I promise to shower at least every other day from here on out. Especially when I’m sick.
Although having my children tell me I smelled bad, was quite comedic and has provided me lots of laughs.
I look forward to having my sense of smell back.