As part of my initiative to get The Workaholic home before 2am, my hatred of the daily shower, and a sponsored post for Collective Bias, I’m telling you how you can always be ready to give a standing-ovation-worthy performance for your lover that won’t leave them running to grab some air freshener.
Don’t get your panties in a twist just yet.
You guys know how dirty I am. I am just clean enough to be socially acceptable and just dirty enough that my hair still looks good four days after the last time it was washed. I am the queen of the whore’s bath, and master of masking the musk. Perhaps you clean girls haven’t noticed that when you haven’t showered in a day or two (sometimes three), your man is crazy attracted to you. You haven’t slathered yourself with perfumes and scented lotions. You haven’t washed your own natural smell away with bubbly soaps, and you smell like a woman. Perhaps even a woman of the night. Rawr. Your natural musk has had time to seep out of your pores and your husband becomes excited every time you waft by him. That’s because your scent is sexy. Your pheromones are wild. And you don’t smell as badly as you think you do.
Let me tell you how I keep the puff clean without drowning myself in time management heckfire for the sake of a shower.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “I just don’t take the time to shower EVERY day.” Sometimes I miss a day here and there. Sometimes it’s TWO days *GASP!* Close your mouth and open your nose. You know you’ve been there. Unless you didn’t wipe well or have some dingleberries, you probably smell like a sexy beast to your husband and every other man you come into contact with.
Let’s just be honest. Once you’re past the whole newlysexed or newlywed stage, depending on what type of relationship you’re in, you probably throw caution to the hurricane winds and just do it whenever the need or want arises. I know once you have kids, sometimes it’s a matter of finding a few minutes to slip it in (see what I did there?), even if that means just before exploding out the door to get to a PTA meeting. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be smelling like I just left the bunny ranch when I’m hanging out with a bunch of stuffy moms, all of whom I’m sure have dirty little secrets of their own.
The Workaholic is most fired up when I get home from the gym. There’s something about being salt encrusted and stank that he goes gaga for. He’s pretty hungry ifyouknowwhaddimean and I’m always more than a little worried that when he gets to the buffet, he’s not gonna like the way what’s being served smells. He doesn’t want me to take a shower because he wants me all sweaty and salty, but you know, things aren’t exactly like a field of curly grass with a spring breeze blowing through it down below.
Or how about when you’re one of those nasty girls (calling myself out here) who don’t wear underwear but prefer to wear dresses? And you’re on vacation? And you just got done with some steamy vacation sex? And you don’t want special sauce running down your leg while you’re walking the boardwalk?
What do you do in cases like these?
You do what I do. You use Fresh and Sexy wipes by Playtex. You take one of those little puppies out, you wipe the puff off and out, and you get on with your day smelling as fresh as a daisy. Honestly. They take that musky after sex smell that screams, “YO! I JUST got done makin’ my man super happy!” and they mute it to a calm whisper.
No more sex and candy smell, people! It’s now like fresh and candy.
I smell Fresh and Can-dy. YyeeaaahhhhuuhhhhhhhMMmmmhhmmmmm.
Hey dudes, Fresh and Sexy wipes are for you too!
The Workaholic and I squeeze a quickie in just before he leaves for work sometimes. More often than not, it’s pants around the ankles with shoes still on kinda action, so he’s not exactly shower-ready but he doesn’t want every dog in a ten mile radius to come runnin’ either. These have been great for a quick polish of the knob and a lot less messy than a wet washrag.